6 Ways to Ruin a Marriage: #1 Scorekeeping
- J M Arrunategui
- 1 day ago
- 2 min read
One of the quickest ways to damage trust and intimacy in a marriage is by keeping score. When you track who’s done more chores, made more sacrifices, or won more arguments, communication turns into a competition. Instead of feeling like a team, each partner starts to feel like they’re losing — or being judged for not doing enough.
Scorekeeping often starts quietly. Maybe you feel underappreciated, or you’ve been carrying a heavier load. But instead of having an open conversation, you begin mentally tracking every imbalance. You notice what your spouse doesn’t do. You start to withhold affection unless it’s “earned.” Soon, small frustrations build into resentment. The relationship shifts from partnership to rivalry.
Why Scorekeeping Hurts Relationships
Keeping tally turns your connection into a conditional exchange. Love becomes transactional — I’ll give when you give. But that model doesn’t foster closeness. Instead, it leads to:
A constant sense of imbalance
Emotional distance and defensiveness
Unspoken resentment and unresolved tension
Reduced appreciation for each other’s efforts
Over time, this mindset erodes the sense of safety and generosity that healthy relationships rely on.
How to Break Free from Scorekeeping
Shift to “We” Thinking: Move from individual fairness to shared goals. Ask yourself, “What does our relationship need right now?” not “What do I deserve today?”
Practice Gratitude: A simple “thank you” goes further than you think. Expressing appreciation regularly helps both people feel seen and valued.
Communicate Clearly: If something feels unfair, don’t wait for it to fix itself. Talk about it — kindly and honestly.
Stop Keeping Receipts: Avoid bringing up past favors, sacrifices, or mistakes just to make a point. If it wasn’t resolved at the time, dragging it into a new argument only adds to the strain.
Focus on the Relationship, Not the Score: Resentment thrives in silence. Trust grows when both partners commit to supporting each other without always counting the cost.
Reflect: Am I Scorekeeping?
Do I mentally track my contributions compared to my spouse’s?
Have I ever withheld affection or kindness because I felt they didn’t “deserve it”?
Do I bring up old wrongs during current conflicts?
Am I focused more on fairness than connection?
When couples stop keeping score and start seeing each other as teammates, communication becomes more compassionate, and the relationship feels more secure.
If scorekeeping is weighing down your marriage, Relational Skills can help you rebuild trust and connection. Visit www.relationalskills.org or call (941) 241-2810 to learn more.