Grieving Together During the Holidays

By Dr. Anita Arrunategui | Relational Skills, Inc.

What happens when grief collides with the holiday season, and how can couples support each other through it?

The holidays often magnify what’s missing. The music, gatherings, and traditions that once brought comfort can now stir a deep ache for what used to be. Grief doesn’t take time off — and for couples, it can reveal just how differently two people can love and mourn the same loss.

When Grief Feels Different for Each of You

It’s common for one partner to want to talk, reminisce, and express emotion, while the other withdraws, needing quiet and solitude. These differences can easily feel like rejection: “You don’t care as much as I do,” or “You’re drowning me with feelings I can’t handle.”

But those assumptions often miss the truth. Grief changes emotional energy. Some days you want to remember openly; other days, you avoid it entirely. Both are normal. Both are

valid. The key is permission: giving yourself and your spouse the grace to grieve in your own ways without judgment or pressure.

In counseling, we often remind couples that grieving differently doesn’t mean grieving apart. It simply means you are two unique people carrying the same pain in distinct ways.

Creating Gentle Rituals of Remembrance

One of the healthiest ways to stay connected through loss is to create gentle rituals that honor what you’ve lost while nurturing what remains.

You might:

• Light a candle in honor of your loved one.

• Visit a meaningful place together.

• Share a favorite story or photo each year.

These acts aren’t about reliving the pain, they’re about weaving love into memory, keeping connection alive with both your loved one and each other. Rituals create emotional safety and remind you that you’re not alone in your remembrance.

Holding Space Instead of Fixing

When grief enters a marriage, the natural instinct is to comfort, fix, or cheer up your partner. But true healing rarely comes from solutions — it comes from presence.

Try simply holding space. Sit quietly together. Listen without needing to respond. Say things like, “I miss them too,” or “It’s okay to feel this today.” That kind of companionship brings more comfort than the perfect words ever could.

Avoid comparing grief styles. One may express through tears, The other may process in silence. One may need community; the other needs stillness. The goal isn’t identical grief, it’s shared compassion.

Finding Hope Amid the Ache

If faith is part of your story, remember that Scripture often describes grief as something God walks through with us, not something we must escape. Comfort comes not from forgetting, but from trusting that love is never wasted, even in loss.

When couples choose to walk through sorrow as a team, they discover that grief can deepen intimacy instead of dividing it. Holding space for each other’s pain doesn’t erase the loss, but it transforms it — turning heartache into shared understanding, and loneliness into love that endures.

Reflect: How can we honor loss this year in a way that helps us both feel connected and understood?