Spending, Saving, and Staying United: Holiday Tips for Couples

By Dr. Anita Arrunategui | Relational Skills, Inc.

Why does money create so much tension between couples during the holidays?

For many, holiday spending becomes an emotional tug-of-war between generosity and security. What looks like a budgeting issue is often something deeper — a clash of emotional needs and childhood money stories…

Money has a way of amplifying emotions, especially during the holidays. What starts as a

simple conversation about gifts or travel plans can quickly turn into tension or misunderstanding.

One spouse might see the holidays as a time to give freely and celebrate lavishly, while the

other feels anxious about bills and the months ahead.

At first glance, it might look like a “budget disagreement,” but more often than not, the argument isn’t really about dollars and cents, it’s about what money represents. Beneath the surface, couples are often navigating the deeper emotional dance between security and generosity.

The Emotional Story Behind Every Dollar

Every person brings a unique financial story into marriage. These stories are shaped by what we experienced growing up, the spoken and unspoken lessons about money, love, and

safety.

If you were raised in a home where finances were tight, you may have internalized that saving equals stability and safety. You might find comfort in seeing a cushion in the bank and anxiety when it’s gone.

Your spouse, however, may have learned that generosity equals love — that spending money

on others communicates care, celebration, and connection. They may not see it as reckless, but as relational.

Neither is wrong. Both stem from experiences that shaped how each of you gives, saves, and feels secure. The problem arises when those emotional maps collide — when one person’s “freedom” feels like the other’s “fear.”

When Emotions Drive Spending

During the holidays, our emotions run high. Cultural pressure to create perfect memories, give meaningful gifts, and please extended family can awaken old insecurities.

One spouse may say, “Let’s make it special,” while the other silently thinks, “We can’t afford this again.” These moments aren’t just about finances, they’re about identity, control, and safety.

When financial tension begins to rise, pause before reacting. Ask yourselves:

• “What emotion is underneath this?”

• “Am I afraid of scarcity?”

• “Am I trying to feel valued or approved of?”

Naming the emotion beneath the behavior helps shift the conversation from judgment to

empathy. It becomes less about what your partner did and more about why it matters to them.

Communicating Without Blame

Financial conflict is one of the leading causes of marital stress — not because couples disagree, but because they stop feeling emotionally safe discussing it. The key to healing financial tension is curiosity over criticism.

Instead of saying, “You’re always so tight with money,” try, “I know saving feels important to

you. Can you help me understand what that represents for you?”

Or, instead of, “You spend too much,” try, “I know giving brings you joy. How can we do that in a way that keeps us both at peace?”

Empathy creates partnership. When both spouses feel seen and respected, decisions become easier to make together.

Creating a Financial Peace Plan

This season, consider building a plan that honors both perspectives. Start with practical

boundaries — such as a spending limit or budget category for gifts, travel, and giving — but go deeper by setting an emotional goal as well.

Ask:

• “How do we want this holiday to feel?”

• “What would bring peace rather than pressure?”

When your emotional goal is clear — peace, connection, gratitude — every decision can flow

from it. Maybe that means fewer gifts but more shared experiences. Maybe it means saying no to some social obligations so you can say yes to rest and time together.

Remember: your financial plan isn’t just about numbers. It’s about protecting your relationship from unnecessary strain and aligning your priorities as a team.

When Fear or Guilt Sneaks In

Be aware of the emotional traps that often accompany holiday spending.

• Fear says, “We’ll never have enough.”

• Guilt says, “I have to say yes or they’ll be disappointed.”

• Pride says, “I need to prove we’re doing well.”

Each of these thoughts can quietly hijack your peace. As a couple, you can learn to identify and replace them with truth: We are enough. We have enough. We choose what matters most.

Faith-minded couples can also find comfort in remembering that God’s wisdom often leads

toward stewardship, gratitude, and contentment. Generosity and prudence are not opposites — they’re partners when guided by love, not fear.

Restoring Unity Through Shared Purpose

At its core, financial harmony isn’t about perfect budgeting. It’s about shared purpose. When couples move from “mine vs. yours” to “ours,” they reclaim unity.

You’re not on opposite sides of the checkbook. You’re on the same team, facing challenges

together. Every financial decision becomes an opportunity to practice respect, communication, and grace.

And as you do, something beautiful happens: the holiday season stops being a source of

anxiety and starts becoming a reminder of what truly matters, the gift of peace,

understanding, and partnership.

Reflect: What does “financial peace” look like for us as a couple this season?